Great Job[]
I have to say, this is a really, really, really interesting character. I like the fact that you went above and beyond the call of duty to actually describe some things such as his pacisifim and his typical strategy in battle. The fact that he's so powerful yet is always trying to flee is actually pretty funny. Overall good job with the character, the detail in many of his abilities is nice. Although there are some spelling problems, I suggest copying the text and inputting it here: http://www.spellchecker.net/spellcheck/
That should help with the spelling issues, but other than that, its pretty solid. Kudos. --- Illuminate Void 21:43, February 15, 2011 (UTC)
Kidō[]
Kidō is written with the upper-accent o, which is "ou". It's not Kidó, even though it might have close to the same sound. Just thought I should point that out. --Seireitou-shishō 
(My True Identity | Talk to Me :3) 21:16, February 17, 2011 (UTC)
Your Review[]
Okay, here's the review you asked for, dude.
Opening Paragraphs: I liked the detail, 'cause it really homes in on his activities without revealing too much. You said he was the pre-school teacher for both Yuzu and Karin, and then went on to explain about his life in the Soul Society before he became a teacher and a rouge Shinigami. Only problems I could see were mainly grammar, and that some sentences would make more sense if they happened to be continued into another. One example is in the first paragraph near the bottom. You've written At the moment, he currently works as a Pre-School teacher in Karakura Pre-School. He's a former teacher of both Karin and Yuzu Kurosaki. This may sound better written At the moment, he currently works as a pre-school teacher in Karakura Pre-School, where he once taught Karin and Yuzu Kurosaki. I just think it sounds better, you know? Also, mention that he was once a Captain of the Kidō Corps. Anyways apart from that I'm happy!
I'd give this 7/10, mainly because of the difficulty in reading someones because of all the full stops in place of comma's. Anyways, moving on to the sections proper :)
Appearance: This was a nicely written section, though the same problem as above is that some descriptions are halted with the full stop, when a coma would suffice and help it flow a lot more. An examples the first paragraph, where you've written He's got short blonde hair. Intense Blue eyes and a well-muscled but yet somewhat sleek appearance while in his Gigai.. Where you describe his blond hair, you could have it flowing easier by switching the full stop breaking the sentences and using a coma instead. Also some words are capitalized, like Blue, when they aren't needed, dude. But content-wise, its solid because you've mentioned and explained his Gigai appearance (important, because of his once occupation as a teacher) and his Shinigami appearance. I really like how you've actually made the connection to Gin with the bells, instead of mentioning it without the reference. Just something I like to see, I guess, 'cause your referencing the inspiration. Now, final paragraph. The way you worked the personality (he looks after his hair daily, showing he takes an interest in how he appears) was a nice addition I liked, so thumbs up on that part, dude. I could actually imagine him when I closed me eyes, which is good. Overall, the content is solid and the descriptions good, but I'd let the sentences flow a little more by replacing full stops with coma's so your not taking a break when your reading it, you know? Maybe its only me, but when I see a full stop I instinctively stop reading for a second if that makes any sense at all.
Anywho, I;d give it 6/10 because of the breaks in description and unneeded capitalized words. Fix that, and you'd have a far better descriptive paragraph that would have no problems reaching 8/10.
Personality: Firstly, my hats off to you for this section. I've read through a lot of articles who have some kind of warped idea of justice or a god-complex, (some my own, as well) so it was a real breathe of fresh air to read a characters personality that's so ordinary and plain (that ain't a bad thing, now). I could probably walk down the road and meet someone with his traits (trying to relive a childhood through other children, or their job and his pacifist nature). I really loved the approach you've taken with him, 'cause it makes him appear that much more human in my opinion and because of his past occupation as a teacher, that's important and well done on your part as the writer. But, there's the same problem here as in the above sections: full stops breaking up the descriptions! Make it flow a little better, and you'll have yourself a hellish good personality. The more I read about his personality, the more I think it'd make for some unique (and probably funny) situations considering his pacifist nature.
8/10 and it'd reach 9/10 if you make it flow easier. Anyways, I loved reading this, so onto the next section :)
Synopsis: First off the bat, this should really be called the History section, because you detail his childhood and past exploits. Synopsis is for detailing the plot (either your own Bleach fanon series, or RP's you've taken part in). Now, with that out of the way, time to delve into the section proper... with his childhood! Since this sections one of the longer ones, I'll cover this in multiple indented paragraphs for easier reading and writing lol.
- Childhood: Damn, he's had it rough! Or has he? We don't know, and I love the entire mystery factor that gives his character. Things are implied, like his roots in the Rukongai and some might believe that, but others may believe he has his roots in the nobility. Not knowing, and by extension Hiroya himself not knowing, adds so much to his characters personality (backed up in the personality section as well, so nice!). Congrats on that, though the same thing I've highlighted previously with the full stops breaking up the descriptions applies here, as well. Alter that, and you'll be flying lol.
- Young Life: A nice historic account of why his skill in Kidō is so high and impressive. Not detailed, nor lengthy, but its simple and sometimes simple is best to get the point across. You've also included the line And he showed remarkable skill in most fields. Though his skill in Kidō was truly incredible. That simple line shows why he's got the levels of skill you've labelled him with in his powers & abilities section, so congrats, pal. Its short and informative and that's the point lol.
- Captaincy and Exile: Since their short, I'll group 'em together. Anyways, some points could be elaborated on. How did he drive them forward at higher rates? Through his leadership alone, or speeches, demonstrations or just his natural interest and expertise rubbing off on others and reigniting their own Kidō passion? Unlike the above section which explained his powers and abilities at a young age briefly, explaining the how in this case could make it better overall because it would reveal more aspects of his personality to the reader, especially in a leadership role. Anyways, his research and exile. You say he attempts to create a spell to end all strife, and have linked that to his pacifist nature brilliantly. Though, there's potential here for a lot more detail regarding his research. How did it become more dangerous? Did he hurt people, himself, or simply feared being found out by the Central 46 (they are a picky bunch with things labelled as forbidden, right?) Answer those and include them would give a lot more insight into his background and character.
- Human World: And everything comes full circle, eh? Nice allude to his pacifist nature in there again, by mentioning how he didn't want to effect the worlds balance; thus his desire to hide away in the mountains. This particular paragraph was pretty in tune with his personality which was nice to see, saying as how he decided to teach at pre-schools instead of secondary. Very nice! Overall, his history was a good account of his past-life, though the minor points I mentioned in the individual parts bring it down a little. Focus on adding a little more detail and you'll have a solid account of Hiroya's past and how he came to be what he is now.
7/10 because you've shown the general points well, while others could be expanded. Slight flowing problem as well. (I'm starting to sound like a cracked record, but deal with me).
Powers & Abilities: Oh boy, this is a long one lol. In regards to his battle data, you may wanna see if you can get it into a battle chart, like the one saw on pages like this one. Pictures are easier to look at, right? Moving on, I can see you spent a lot of time putting together his individual skills, so I'll do the same thing I did with his history and take this step-by-step.
- Physical Skills: This is his swordplay, intellect and such, if your wondering. Okay, his intellect was good and I had no problems with it because he's smart enough to teach at secondary schools as stated previously. His swordplay, though, is one thing that surprised me to be honest. I was expecting only a bare minimum of skill because of his pacifist nature, so a master-level was surprising, but after reading the description and remembering his history section, well deserved I guess. He's quite capable of unleashing devastating amounts of damage (either through fluid, precise strikes, or with close-range Kidō from his left hand), so he'd be a real danger up close to any opponent, made all the more effective through his skillful speed. His Shunpo skills are understandable, saying as how he likes to flee rather than fight and fits with his personality extremely well. Nice picking Byakuya over Yuroichi, as well, because it still gives him room to improve as you RP with him and shows the balance you've tried to attain. He's fast, but a fast person could catch up to him if they were determined enough.
One thing I did like though is that you haven't made him a far cry stronger than a normal Shunsui-class character in terms of spiritual energy and all-around skill. He has his weaknesses (mainly his own pacifist nature), so its not as though he couldn't be bested in a battle. He's only an expert in Hakuda, but has plenty of variations to make it surprising. What are those surprises with the exception of the Shō enhanced attacks, though? And how often would he use them when he actually does enter battle? His preferred method of Hakuda would be a good thing to note as well. Does he favor kicks? Punches? Or grapples and holds to avoid seriously harming his foe? Little things like that to help expand his descriptions. Moving on, though. Nice description of his spiritual energy, and another good allude to his pacifist nature and how he likes to incapacitate his foes that way instead of fighting. His perceptiveness could be moved to intellect, as you have attributed it to his intellect in the description so it'd make more sense to have that in the one point. As for the mental shield, I love the concept, but it is pretty impressive to be able to block Aizen's illusions on any mental level; so very nice addition. Some foes, that'd shoot a massive hole in their combat plan (like Naibu's zanpakutō) by removing the effectiveness of their powers.
Overall, I'd give him an 7/10. In ways of improving the section as a whole, try and get your descriptions flowing a little more by adding a little more detail and expanding on points I've mentioned like Hakuda. Maybe add in a strategic point, so he can plan to avoid and then strike with Kidō or the like.
- Kidō Skills: Okay, this guy is basically the deity of all thing's Kidō from my point of view. It blows all his other skills completely out of the water and gives him a vast amount of flexibility during battle. Using Hanki, he can easily nullify all but the strongest Kidō spells quickly and effectively, creating a kind of ultimate-defense against anything Kidō-related. And you've made it your own, by having it able to damage his foes soul chain and soul sleep. But, you seem to focus a lot on destruction spells. Taking his personality into account, Bakudo would fit him a lot more, because it would allow him to combat his foes without actually hurting them; thus bypassing that one trait that limits his performance in battle. Wrap them up in chains or pin them to a wall. They might bang their head, but what harm would that do a Shinigami? With the levels of flexibility this guy has with Kidō, he'd be a handful for anybody, and its made all the more worse for someone facing him through the amount of variations he has (50? kinda large, though), so he'll be fit to sit on top of a stone and hurl spell after spell should he need to. Anyways, I'd include the Shiratoriza (白鳥座, The Swan) among his swordsmanship skills in the above section, because of its zanjutsu-based approach. Now, Kidō and Kidō copy could go into the same point because you've repeated yourself in their explanation, by saying he has a vast level of knowledge and that he seeks out other masters so he can learn what they know. Anyways, only problems is that you use way too many full stops that break up the descriptions. It gets difficult to read, when your stopping because of the full stop.
- Original Spells: I'll skip over copied spells, as it doesn't look complete yet. Liking the idea, though. Anyways, its good to see you've fully explained the spells that you've mentioned in other sections further up. I find it pretty amazing that you've actually managed to stay so close to his pacifist nature, as all these skills are used with that in mind. I particularly liked Seitō - (いきとう, Spirit Steal ), as it drains a foe and could prove quite devastating over the course of a battle. There's quite a bit he's got in his arsenal that could spell the end of any fight, so I'm kinda in awe of him to be honest. One I didn't really get, though was Shirubamon (しるばもん, Silver-Grey Gate). I see what your going for, but why not just go with the Garganta? Urahara and Mayuri showed an ordinary Shinigami can learn it (with the proper study, of course), and based on your fella's knowledge, it shouldn't be too hard for him to develop the ability.
- Sacred Spells: I was beginning to wonder why they were called three and not four, but then you explained it lol. The spells all seem to be focused on defensive skills, with the exception of the last one that seals away a foes spiritual energy. They're nicely described and easily used, with incantations instead of the usual Unknown labelled beside it. I really liked this section, because its something only he can do. Even though he is a deity in Kidō, someone could make similar skills. This is unique and different and sets him apart from other Kidō masters.
- Spell Mastery: Ah, so were seeing some of his variations finally. I like the fact he can take a spell as simple as Shō and turn it into a drill, a wave and then five at once. Quite good that, so nice addition and a nice show of his Kidō prowess. Very nice overall, with good applications for all the spells created; such as Sattou Haien (殺到廃炎, Japanese for Flood, Abolishing Flames) use with the zanpakutō and the various variations of Danku.
On his abilities as a whole, I'd give 8/10 because the descriptions are good and I enjoyed reading the large amount of information you devoted to his skills in Kidō. It was refreshing to see you take the entire concept and make a character whose personality fits well with the concept of Kidō itself; especially binding.
- Zanpakutō: I loved the concept the second I read it. I'd never have through that feathers could be used so effectively, and in light of his already impressive kidō skills only makes the zanpakutō that much more effective. Only thing I didn't get it that you've said he rarely uses Hanesagi (羽詐欺, Feather Trickery). Based on his personality, I thought that'd be the one he'd use the most, since it makes a clone that would help him escape. But, I liked the balance and how it can potentially effect his lifespan - kinda like my three characters Kusaka, Sojiro and Tadashi - so that was really nice to implemented and so well to boot! The Shikai is good and powerful, but limited and not severely overpowered. Hats off to ya, dude.
As for the Bankai, awesome! It stays true to his nature, but gives him a hell of a lot of power! And power is a good thing. The two skills he has while standing atop the Bankai itself makes him that much more dangerous, so unseating him would become the goal - no wait, I'm wrong. Surviving his Kidō would be the plan lol. I loved the zanpakutō, 'cause the concepts beautiful and the descriptions good. Same problem highlighted throughout though, and that's the overuse of full stops (you and my mate would get along well. He takes a full stop after every word almost lol).
Anyways, zanpakutō gets 8/10 for the reasons I gave above.
Its pretty obvious that his weakness is his personality, so I won't comment anymore on that, dude. On a whole, I give the entire article 7/10 and could easily be made a lot better by making your descriptions flow better. The contents there. Hope that gives you an idea of what your looking for, dude. Kenji-Taichō (Talk) 21:43, February 22, 2011 (UTC)
Second Review[]
As promised, here's your follow-up review. Just to point out, I'm writing this review with the changes you've made in mind by looking at the changes you've made from my last review till your last update through the articles history. As a result, this probably won't be as long as the last one as I've already touched on the majority of the articles content. Anyhow, here's the review.
Template and Opening Paragraphs[]
This all flows so much more clearly now than it had before, so I'm happy to see that you've actually taken on board what others have said. In regards to the template, we see what his affiliations are now and that means a lot cause hes not as mysterious as he once was in my opinion. The main change in the opening paragraphs was his change in occupation, which is understandable since his run in with Dorothy in the RP you've cited. Very nice addition, along with the mention of Kamiyama Haruhi. With the changes you've made to the grammar of the section as a whole, I'm saying 8/10 opposed to my last grading of 7/10. Its been improved, but like everything, it isn't perfect.
Appearance[]
Wow, there's been some big changes since my last reviewing! A lot more detailed and flowing better I might add. Very nice! Love the paragraph describing his habits whenever fighting. While the usage of the stance is different in that Hiyora prefers his left arm for Kidō, I find it similar to Auron from Final Fantasy 10 when he made his appearance just before he re-joined the party. Just an observation from a fan of Final Fantasy. Anyway, its certainly a lot more thorough and informative than it had been previously and detail is key imo. You've acted on my previous advice and removed any unneeded capitalized words and made it flow, so I'm giving this a very deserved 9/10 because it has come on leaps and bounds since my last viewing. Kudos to ya, dude.
Personality[]
So, we've got a pacifist whose a little mad the minute he jumps into a car? Reminds me of Natsu from the alternate world thing (the arcs name escapes me) from Fairy Tail. Anyways, that was a nice and somewhat unexpected addition, but I maintain articles that throw you off with unexpected parts are some of the best :) I find that gives him an interesting break from the norm so to say, so it was an interesting paragraph to read. And I love how he can lose the head if need be as he showed against Dorothy and you've described his actions in the appearance section to further back up this point so the info backs up what you've already added.
Then there's the allude to Unohana and his quiet anger if you will. While I find this to be more suggestive anger than anything else considering his pacifist nature, it does show a break away from his usual mannerisms and persona. Makes the article that much more interesting. 9/10 because you've made it flow and added more information that reveals his character in greater detail.
Okay, I'm gonna skip over the history and synopsis, 'cause the history of the page and the selected revisions I'm comparing show no changes and I haven't the time to review every RP you've listed in his synopsis. I've read the majority of them, however, and I'm liking what you, Void and Nexus have going. Reminds me on the partnership I have with Raze, Yuki and Koukishi.
Stats[]
While I'd agree with the numbers on the stat chart in light of his RP appearance, I recommend moving it into the powers and abilities and removing that section entirely. Stats highlight his abilities, which belong in the powers & abilities section.
Inventions[]
Now this has some new info! I'm surprised you managed to implement a simple scarf floating through the air into the new Kinuito Sokudōsa like you've done, and a picture that actually highlights it to boot! I love that particular ability and the descriptions solid enough, though you have made the same error I highlighted in my first review in that it doesn't quite flow. But you've shown you can fix that, so I'll keep quiet and move on to the next ability.
Have you ever found yourself in need of boosting your battle-weary Reiryoku in the heat of battle quickly and efficiently? If so, then the Seishinkusuri is just the thing for you! Pop one and you'll be energized. Pop two and you'll feel like a new man! But three and you won't be getting a refund! Sorry, bad sales pitch I know, but I couldn't resist lol. Anyways, its a nice idea and a handy commodity for Hiroya to have, considering the energy he'd spend casting spells or using his zanpakutō.
Powers & Abilities[]
Okay, moving on then. The first part we come to is his inventions which are highlighted above. Maybe you should consider relocating this part to the invention list since it explicitly deals with such? Just a thought. I do like that he makes them in mind for lower-echelon Shinigami. In my opinion, it highlights his past post as a Captain and how he would look out for those below him.
I'll skip over the rest of his physical skills since I've already mentioned them in a past review so I'd only be repeating myself. You have acted on the advice I gave you before though, so nice work cleaning up the different paragraphs. Anyways, I'll move on to the new part; which is parrying. Understandable, in light of his pacifist nature and need to defend himself without actually harming his foes and with the limitation of his zanpakutō itself. The poor guy seems doomed to forever kill things with Kidō, but I feel I should point out that one can still kill with a blunted weapon if you go about it in the right way. The blade may be blunt, but remember blunt objects can usually cause quite a degree of blunt force trauma, and judging by Hiroya's own physical abilities, adopting a style to reflect that wouldn't be a problem. But, his personality would be a limitation in that regard but its still something to think on, right?
While I love the two new Hakuda techniques you've highlighted, I can't help but feel Hiroya's own personality would limit their overall usefulness. In his personality section you've stated During these times he tends to become a tad more aggressive, and he's fully capable of killing; though he still can't help but subconsciously pull his blows against weaker opponents no matter how detestably they may act. This means the effectiveness of said Hakuda would be limited in his hands, especially in regards to Majinya, though I have no problems with the techniques themselves. The Seishin Nami actually fits really well with his defensive-minded style, so very nice addition.
His immense spiritual energy and spiritual energy mastery should really be in the same paragraph since they deal with his levels and control. In light of his levels the enhanced strength also makes sense. Ah, and then we come to the strategist. I was expecting this, since his personality says he was able to avoid Soul Society, so very nice addition. Those are all the new parts in that area, and in light of the new grouped with the improved old, I'm liking his powers & abilities quite a bit, dude.
Kidō[]
Since he does focus so much on it, I can understand why you've moved it into its own little section. No, let me rephrase that. One big section lol. This section basically highlights how much of a pain Hiroya would be at a distance. Suffice to say that I wouldn't want to lock horns with him in a Kidō duel, 'cause nearly all of my characters would be made to look like infants in comparison. This is a well written and informative part regarding one of the core aspects of his main combat style and puts it all in perspective that he'd be one hell of an adaptable individual on the battlefield. I've nothing bad to say about this section, so allow me to give you a pat on the back for it. My hats off to ya, dude for this.
I've already made comment about his own personal spells and sacred spells, so I'll just skip over them to save me repeating myself. I'll go right ahead and move onto the new changes you've made to describe the swan style. Okay, while I said previously this was to stay with the swordsmanship, in light of the new abilities, it remains out on its own in a similar style to my own Yuengiri style that the majority of my characters utilize. I like the individual abilities and how they gel with Hiroya's own style - especially the last one which induces sleepiness in an opponent. Fits well with his personality which you've shown a prominent theme throughout.
Zanpakutō[]
I see there's a few new changes to his zanpakutō which only serve to make it a lot more effective and interesting. I've already commented on the majority of the skills and the general theme, so just allow me to say that you've done a hellish good job with the new skills both in Shikai and Bankai that make Hiroya that much more effective. Nicely done dude.
In Conclusion[]
Overall, you've taken the advice I'd given you and you've made the article that much better in regards to how the information portrayed and how it flows and compliments the rest. The core information remains the same, which limited the overall amount of of information I wrote, but If I missed anything then hit me up and I'll add it. Overall, with the new additives since my last review, I'm giving this article 8/10 because some points could still be improved upon in regards to organization and grammar but its definitely improved in the month or so since my last review. Kudos to you, dude and allow me to take this chance to thank you for the review you gave me on Naibu Shizuka once again. And I apologize for the time it took to review it and thank you for the patience it waiting. Kenji-Taichō (Talk) 12:57, March 19, 2011 (UTC)
In depth Powers & Abilities Review Part 1[]
Hmm well as this was a more...comprehensive review, since beyond what was in the character description I had to go through all of his RP's (thankfully there were only a few at this time), to gain the grand scope of his abilities. So I'll address the powers & abilities that are..more prevalent, and have had greater impact so far. As Hiroya RP's I'll probably do another as a way of keeping things in check too.
Though I have noticed a progression from "good guy" to more of a neutral one. As in before Hiroya might have been inclined to save innocent people, because it was right, but it seems that after the Inquisition of the Pacifist, Hiroya has had enough of being manipulated by others. Its especially evident in the RP - An Odd Challenge. He's looking out for hiimself and probably those he immediately cares about (which is no one at the moment.)
Strategist & Tactician: While it can be assumed that this is the case for largely any Captain, current or former of the Gotei 13, I haven't exactly seen any real strategy or tactics displayed in his RP battles. However this is mostly due to the following:
- 1) small number of combat oriented encounters and arcs to demonstrate proficiency.
- 2) his pacifist nature and great level of power.
Most encounters can be ended before they even begin and Hiroya is generally strong enough that the use of one of his more powerful sacred or forbidden spells against an equally powerful opponent is often warranted. In future roleplays I would strive to include or use a greater degree of strategy/tactics in your battles/schemes, by setting up opponents against multiple spells, and unorthodox use of destructive and binding magic. Illustrating actual skill is more than just saying, "Im a badass" it needs to be shone through creative uses of your abilities.
Swordsmanship and Hand-to-hand Specialist: After looking through this, it actually seems odd that Hiroya is a master in swordsmanship as opposed to hand-to-hand combat. Given his nature, specializing in unarmed combat, specifically grappling arts like Aikido which profess peace, and defeating your opponents in a non-lethal fashion would be better suited to Hiroya. However his swordsmanship (offense and defense) are the best, better than Byakuya as well as Aizen (who only has a rating of 100 offense, 90 defense), which leads me to believe that he became a pacifist AFTER a major incident. You dont get THAT strong unless you're either particularly blood thirsty or a combination of natural talent and immense levels of practice both training wise and combat experience. Also add into the fact that he has rather low stamina, he would likely default to Kido, given its utility over the two former, since he is less likely to tire himself out reiryoku wise. You should probably go over this yourself, as its a pretty important part of his character.
Kido Master: This is the bulk of your character's abilities and it should be .Hiroya is designated as a geniune master, grandmaster even of the demon arts. Beyond the flowerly language (we all do it), I cant believe his mastery is balanced by the fact that prefers binding spells. The fact that his binding spells are so strong to inflict damage (probably not as much as a Hado of equivalent level), it is....one of the more interesting traits of this character's prowess. So this in of itself is fine.
Motionless Spellcasting: Now you've stated that he has motionless spellcasting, but I've only seen it done in the battle against Haru Nakamaru, and only sparingly. Obviously it was used as a reference, but I do think this section is fine. In one of Kenshin's fanfics he battled against Unohana, a master herself ,and makes use of no incantations, no movements, and no names. Spells just come into effect.
Perfected Kido Spells: While I can understand from a creator point of view, this section is not that well balanced. You've established that Hiroya is a master of kido, provided abilities that explore this specialization but in a way, making his spells.....damn near unbreakable seems a bit much. Of course in my mind this could easily be explained. For example, being such a master of binding spells, Hiroya is able to blend minor binding magic to his own destructive spells. Dispelling them is thus very tricky, requiring the barrier to first be dispelled before the effect can. Against weaker opponents this makes them pretty much unbreakable, but against equal level opponents, it does change the game plan a bit. If they do intend to counter his attacks they have to account for two spells instead of one. It gives a more plausible reason in my opinion and also gives a "clear" view of how to counter the technique. As opposed to just...well they believe their character is good enough so they should be able to cancel them anyway. Makes it less relative....in theory.
Vast/Forbidden Knowledge: This section is fine as well though, copying spells should be...better illustrated in upcoming RPs. Training RPs is what some people do as a means of "legitimately" powering up their characters. While I'm not particulary fond of them - I believe that using them to perfect already known abilities is perfectly acceptable. Or at the very least of introducing new abilities but with amateur skill.
Enhanced Kido Barriers: This section probably belongs with your Zanpakutou. You've already established that he's a master, with a specialization in barriers. This is redundant in a way, but if used as a byproduct of your Zanpakutou's powers it makes more sense, and further illustrates beyond personal ability the defensive nature of your Zanpakutou.
Elemental Manipulation: This ability seems completely out of place, and the description has little if anything to do with his mastery in barriers. I would probably remove this section given that in battle, I doubt it would be of much use to Hiroya who can instead make use of his extensive library of defensive techniques that probably have greater scope anyway.
Copied/Original Spells: This is great, exploring the abilities and making specific spells for your character not only makes them more unique, it also provides flavor for Hiroya, aside from being useful in battle. The original spells in particular, i can see were designed with the intent of...getting around much of the....problems with being a rogue shinigami and as defenses against some of the more broken powers exhibited by some Zanpakutou on this site. So I have no problems with these. Bringing balance back into a battle against overpowered opponents is fine in my book.
Goodness. Alright thats all I have for now. Ill review the rest in a bit, probably a few hours or so. I reckon I'm about...1/3 done at this point. Havent even touched the Zanpakutou yet. --- Illuminate Void (Talk) 06:34, March 23, 2011 (UTC)
In Depth Powers & Abilities Review Part 2[]
Sorry for the long wait, but Ill have to break up the review again into another 3rd part. Hell perhaps in several given the length of Hiroya's Zanpakutou abilities.
The Three Sacred Spells[]
Well technically this should be renamed the "Four Sacred Spells", but that can be done at a later date. I'm going to review each spell individually, and then provide an overall analysis.
Yasushi Hi: This spell is quite powerful in its own right, as it provides the ability for Hiroya to instantly rejuvenate during a battle, especially against an otherwise equal opponent who will be left winded. However you did balance it out by the large Reiryoku drain (given your previous RPs, you can be trusted to actually convey this weakness), and the fact that it basically dispels Hiroya's active barriers, and I'm assuming ends his Shikai/Bankai state if active. From here its easy to see that this spell simply put - ends a battle. At least for Hiroya.
I did notice that you added the ability to fine-tune the spell and allow it to be used selectively. For a story, this actually makes sense, though given its power, I would actually refrain from using it in this fashion. Well at least without detailing any drawbacks to using it this fashion. As I've said, this spell in a way can end a battle with its use, hence the term - Sacred Spell. This spell is a bit powerful, but depending on you as the author portray it and use it, there can be balance.
Yōjū Tomoshibi: This spell is more balanced than the previous, it notes that Hiroya cannot move, however its a great spell, and upgraded version of the infamous "Danku" that we all know and love. The description for the spell is good too, providing an interesting image for how its used. The fact that you've added a blind-spot also is a point in the favor of balance. However you should probably include a bit more detail on what Hiroya can do. I'm assuming he cant move from his location, not turn his body/barrier so he can meet attacks from different angles. Also does the barrier work both ways? You mentioned that it was an "absolute defense" so I would assume that yes it does.
Shiroihoshi Katachi Gokakurei: This spell is...hmm..not sure how to put it. The spell "binds the target no matter how strong they are" is a bit much. Abilities with an absolute effect, especially on other characters is imbalanced in a way, depending on how its used. In this case, even if you did use the spell, few authors would be allow their character to be caught by it. For this spell, I would create to modifications: the first is that the spell binds a target - regardless of physical strength, but it can be broken relatively easy by a binding spell (comparably of course). The second variant is making it extremely durable against Kido effects, but weak against physical ones. This way the spell isnt....too powerful, retains its...absolute so to speak, and can arguably be used against a variety of opponents.
If not, then I would suggest extending the area of this spell to instead make it a sort...fortress. Its more believable that they're trapped in a fortess of something as it appears around the entire area like that "Doumu" spell. Perceptions is the key for this spell to work.
Kamisaifutsuidan: The specifics of the spell are ambiguous at best, and I'm not sure if this spell has any real use aside from being a plot device. If the object or...aspect is sealed, where does it go? You dont go into detail as to how it seals it away, or what the effect is when the seal is in place. Given that, this spell needs quite a bit of work, and seems to have been created as an after thought of sorts.
Final Verdict[]
First and foremost I would include a description in each of the spells of how they function, and not just their effect on the opponent. For example the first spell is said to negate any supernatural power. How does it do this? I've found that if you explain how some of your abilities work, they end up having a lot more utility, as you can take advantage of how the technique works to use it for something else, perhaps something unrelated to its original use. Overall though the above spells are all powerful but relatively balanced to a degree. Usage in RP can determine whether the effect is more or less powerful than whats stated. After application can determine a lot of things. But so far so good.
If you wanted to, adding more depth to the some of these spells would be to add one-shots describing how Hiroya created them or the events that led to their creation. It would flesh out his background a bit more and give the spells...personal meaning, beyond being just powerful.
Honshitsu[]
I'll be reviewing each spell and their variants in their individual groupings. I'll be providing feedback on balance, or on any points you can improve upon (if applicable).
Sho: To be honest, I'm surprised I havent seen a lot more of this spell in your RPs. The spell you "copied" from Dorothy. Is basically a large scale multi-cast version of this spell, and would probably serve you better. Hurling a storm of these to create..."Bullet Hell" would be easy for Hiroya. I see him expending about as much energy to cast one of these as it is to move a finger.
Anyways, the description is detailed enough and the reference to your own fanfic helps to illustrate their power. They can pack as much power as any master of hand-to-hand with immense strength, but with range. At least thats I how i've seen this spell portrayed. Now as for the variants. Individually they're all unique, providing a variety of different applications depending on the situation. Though despite the specialization and increase, you never provide a comparison, which I know we all hate, but in this context can serve to illustrate how dangerous they are.
Sokatsui: One of my favorite spells, and the variants for its use are no less useful. The AoE version is a given, though the Lance version did take me by surprise when Hiroya used it against Kenshin. At first I had no idea what it was until I realized Sokatsui was one of your favored spells too. I've yet to see the Wrap version, but it too is also an interesting variant of the spells, and the Dove version is by far your must successful creation. Overall, the variants add quite a lot of flavor to this spell, giving it a unique feel to it, enhancing Hiroya's specializatin. Although again like Sho, you dont compare its power to another higher level spell, which can be a problem for the average author to gauge just how much damage their own characters would suffer.
Gaki Rekko: I havent seen you use this technique all to often, but nonetheless the opening paragraph does give some insight to its abilities and power. The first variant is an interesting use, a motif on its appearance and I can see how it would be useful. The second variant, while useful doesnt seem like it would be that good. The spell is destructive in nature, and thus wouldnt benefit from Hiroya's own enhanced barriers, since its technically NOT a barrier spell, its shape is being altered, not necessarily its composition. I would also remove the reference to a water brushing against a rock as it ruins the flow of the description. The last variant is similar in that, while interesting, it doesnt fit very well with the spell. I'm not sure what your intent was, but although these two variants were good, they dont necessarily follow the same kind of....theme that you had for Sho or Sokatsui.
Danku: This spell of course is rather interesting as well, although compared to the others you only mention a small increase as opposed to the increased and master level of power that the others have. The variants themselves are all interesting, especially the Twin Mirrors one. The Rotating Disk has some potential for use, but i can see Hiroya mainly sticking with the first one or if necessary the Kakuchu when he's forced to fight in large areas and actually protect large groups of people. This is great by the way, and adding the total defensive power of the spell was a great way to illustrate its defensive capabilities.
Haien: I like the opening paragraph, and how you go into detail about its general improvements, referencing its spell description for incinerating anything it touches, and explaining why Hiroya favors such a deadly spell. All in all it fits with his motif, and sets the flow for the rest of the variants. One of the crippling weaknesses of this spell though is that its rather small, so I can see why you took to giving it a wider range in area, similar to an energy wave. However the Satto Haien is probably the most interesting and by far deadilest variant you've created for any of your spells. I particularly enjoyed how it was used in the RP. Part of the reason it took me so long to update was figuring out what the hell I was going to do against it. The fact that you planned ahead and countered its weakness by trapping us in the dome, very nice. All in all this spell variant is one of my favorites and is done quite well in terms of description, power and appropiate drawbacks. It does appear to take some time to setup, and it has acceptable weaknesses. The final variant Danga Haien is odd though, given that you basically already have a spell that fits this niche anyway - Sho. Though Haien is easily many times more powerful than your Sho spell, I do have to ask is why you would have two versions of spells which have the same purpose? You may wish take a second look at this one.
Final Verdict[]
Overall, most of these spells and their variants are very well thought out, and are both interesting and balanced in accordance with their nature and Hiroya's. There are a few rough spots, and some tweaking to be done, but these spells are definately good to go. I do have a suggestion for the final Haien, or rather another twist Hiroya could add to his spells. Spells whose composition and shape are one thing but their effect is completely different. For example, a spell that fires a lightning that actually...is an ice spell. It freezes targets. Or fire that cause slashing wounds like from a blade. Anyway thats all for now, reviewing just this alone took about 2-3 hours in total, so the rest will be coming out over the next few days.