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Bleach Encyclopedia, Episode 2: What About The Children?! is an article created by Achrones150. Use is allowed with the permission of the owner, with the exception of collaboration-created articles. |
I'm Rated M for Mature[]
There are many people who have their very own jobs in the world. Some put in dedication to a living of finding a cure for cancer, AIDS, and other incurable diseases. Others make it their own personal job to cause those very diseases (along with other violent and nasty things) to their enemies as they fight for their cities, villages, and countries. And even others simply find jobs that will help them get by in life, making money that would eventually put them in the position of a millionare. All kinds of these jobs, especially in this time of competition and poor economy, are extremely difficult to grab, considering millions of people wish for them.
But there are also the kinds of jobs that are almost always open. There is little to no experience required. There is no special requirements for such jobs, aside from the need to bring yourself. That means anyone can choose and be persuaded quite easily to accept such. Personal difficulties might get in the way, but in the end, everyone will be satisfied and happy. At the small "Bleach Encyclopedia" studio, on the air and standing by, such a job would be taking place, courtesy of a Quinta.
His job was the best out of them all...
Arrancar pinata.
His body was bound completely in ropes, aside from the head and neck. He was hanging upside down, a long end of the rope tethered to the ceiling. His long, black, and faggotr-- oh, sorry... --flowing hair was thrashing around wildly, thanks to the rapid shaking of his head. Heck, even his whole body was shaking violently, causing him to swing back and forth a bit. As his mouth was duct taped, the only sign of any expression was his eye widened, a vein bulging in his forehead. In front of the screen, Senkaku was calmly holding a spoon in one hand while looking over the guy with the other, a rather non-chalant but stoic expression on his face.
Now, to remove the duct tape and see how happy Nnoitra is with his job!
RIP!
"GOD -BLEEP- YOU, YOU -BLEEP- SUCKING -BLEEP-!!! I'M GONNA TEAR OUT YOUR -BLEEP-, AND SHOVE THEM RIGHT UP YOUR -BLEEP-!!! WHEN YOU SEE MY FIST UP YOUR -BLEEP-, YOU'RE GONNA BE -BLEEP-IN' -BLEEP-!!! YOU BETTER HOPE I DON'T GET DOWN FROM THIS -BLEEP-, BECAUSE WHEN I DO, YOU ARE GONNA BE IN A REALLY -BLEEP-IN' WORLD OF PAIN--"
See how happy he is?
Because we all know that death threats simply mean "I love you".
Immediately, before Nnotira could plague the set anymore with his vulgar language, Senkaku slapped the duct tape back onto his mouth, resulting in loud muffles. "Ah, don't you just love a good start to the show?" He asked casually. "And especially one that fits the topic of today!" He paused for a moment. "And no, it's not how to make those incredibly annoying bleeping noises that you just heard. If you're trying as of this minute trying to make such sounds, then you are very. Very. Stupid... and should not be even thinking about touching a computer ever again. Don't even think about touching that mouse... just log right off..."
He paused for a minute.
"....now step away from the computer...."
Silence.
Abruptly, Senkaku broke into a cheerful smile. "That's more like it, now we have some reasonable peop--"
Once again, much to his insane hatred and disgust, the voices off-screen were talking to him again.
"I'm getting sick and tired of you -BLEEP-holes interrupting me at times like this." He said snappishly, turning to fix a narrowed-eye glare in their direction. "What do you want now?!"
More voices.
"....what do you mean, there's no reasonable people on this Wikia? Surely, with a -BLEEP-load of users that we've got on here, you can't seriously say there aren't any--"
Even more voices.
Senkaku closed his eyes and slapped his forehead in a display of complete irritation, dragging it down (and nearly taking his own face off). "So, you're basically telling me, I'm educating a bunch of five-year-olds who have a God complex." He said vehemently, gripping the spoon handle tightly. "When we started this thing, I expected to actually talk to users like me with some intelligence and an idea of how Bleach works! What in the hell do I look like a god damn teacher?!"
Voice spam.
"HOW ABOUT YOU WATCH YOUR -BLEEP-ing LANGUAGE YOU -BLEEP- -BLEEP- -BLEEEP--"
We are experiencing technical difficulties at the moment. We are sorry for the inconvienience. While we check the status of the problem, please enjoy this music video below: thumb|300px|left|This music video is not owned by Bleach Encylopedia. All credit goes to Renard, the awesome 6-bit music maker.
....and so, Senkaku was left standing, hunched over, sweating heavily, and panting like a dog. "I...hate...you all..." He wheezed, desperately attempting to catch his breath.
"Sen-dono!" Hermosa's voice immediately snapped him upright. "The light's red!"
"Oh! Oh, crap..."
Immediately, the male Arrancar went back into his usual "teaching" gait, tapping his spoon against his palm. "All right... I suppose this little intro's going to serve as foreplay for today's subject." He explained. "Now, the Internet's a place that would make Roanapur look like a walk in the park. It's full of tragedy..."
On the monitor screen, he pointed with his spoon towards what looked like a stick figure, with the (X_X) emoticon on its face. It looked as if it had came from a game of Hangman, with a rope extending from the head and a stand holding both the rope and stick figure up.
"...violence..."
Donkey Punch: Because nothing says "I Love You" like a concussion.
The screen flashed to a picture of our past-time favorite hero (as well as possible inspiration of Goku), Superman, delivering some unnecessary justice to comrade-in-arms Wonder Woman. Or is she his wife? It would make sense... maybe it was a matter of "get me a sammich or I'm gonna keep my pimp hand strong"? But, then again, that was a full-on fist to the back of the head! Really, someone needs to calm the fuck do--
Anyway.
"...sex--"
Wait a minute.
"FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU--" Immediately, Senkaku jumped in front of the screen, waving his arms in a panic and in a vain effort to keep the camera from viewing the naughty and explicit image from showing on screen. "For God's sake, turn that camera away!!! This show's rated for everyone, and I want it to stay that way!!!"
"*Cough*,*cough* Bullshit *Cough, cough*~"
Senkaku immediately glared at the one offscreen who had dared to make such a comment - Ggio. However, as soon as the image fell out of line, he immediately shrank back from it. "Crap! Oh, right, uh....." A rather distraught look on his face, he began to count out on his fingers. "Uh, let's see.... violence.... sex.... tragedy...."
Another voice, this time one of a female, cut through his thoughts.
"Nothing intended, but I think you should look at the screen."
"What the--" That one had taken him by surprise. He glared at the one who had spoken again. "How the hell do you even know if the screen's even changed or not?! You're blind!!" He retorted, clearly a bit miffed at what had happened earlier. However, this only caused Hermosa to pinch the bridge of her nose in irritation, and she let out a sigh.
"Maybe it's because I'm the one flicking the screens?"
.....
Well, that was embarrassing.
"And I do believe the next one is "In general"...."
Haters gonna hate.
"Grr..... in general....." Senkaku growled, pointing his spoon up towards the screen and tapping it a few times. "Just the plain old stupid s--BLEEP-- that the Internet's been famed for." On screen, there was a rainbow-like background with what looked like some sort of smiley face. Yet, as you stare at it.... you just feel it don't you? You feel the urge to knock its teeth out. You wanna make it black and blue all over that smug bastard's face, don't you?! YOU WANT TO KICK THAT MOTHER F--BLEEP--er's -BLEEP-, DON'T YOU?! WELL, THEN, TOO BAD, BECAUSE IT'S AN IMAGE AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT, YOU WHINY PIECES OF SH--
....ahem. Moving on.
"Sadly, my readers....." At this point, Senkaku was hanging his head down in mourning, his spoon clutched in an almost possessive manner to his person. "Much of this "information" gets to the outside world, particularly in the world of our sons and daughters. Some of these unfortunate events are just too inevitable to be avoided. Others...."
That was when his face turned more irritated. He raised his head up, eyes narrowed and one having its corner twitching.
"Well.... god damn, guys, couldn't it be even MORE OBVIOUS?!" He raised the spoon, swinging and smacking it into the wall in a violent manner. He raised his finger to point at the camera once more. "GOOD LORD!!! I mean, what are you parents THINKING when you get your five or six-year-old that new God of War 3 or Dante's Inferno game?! Do you not take the time to raise the case up to your face and actually LOOK at the rating on the thing?! Can't you see that big ol' M at the right corner!!!"
Ah, if emotions could kill, the rage that Senkaku was permeating the room with might as well have caused an early 2012.
"Oh....that's right!!" He exclaimed, pointing his finger up in the air in mock surprise. "You must not know what that bold M actually means. Well, let me tell you something RIGHT now. That M does NOT stand for "macho manliness" and will not MAKE you such, even if you spend a full 24 hours trying to beat it. If you believe such, that just means you're nothing but a loser who has no life, no girlfriend, and no nuts. It does NOT stand for "magic mayonnaise", the stuff that Pedobear uses to enchant those five and six year olds that play those games andwhatIwasdousingyourmotherwithlastnight. It stands for, and I mean this quite literally, MOTHER. FUCKING. MATURE. Say it with me!!"
"Actually, that would be--"
"SHUT YOUR FACE!!!!"
And thus ended the inquiry from Hermosa.
"My POINT....." The host Arrancar, after taking a well-deserved breath, turned back towards the screen and tapped the spoon on it. Upon an unspoken command, the screen turned off and the lights turned back on. "....is that we, of all good people, won't be nice when we're just browsing pages when we're bored, only to find some sort of scene that involves....uh....." He stopped in the middle of his sentence, scratching the back of his head with his free hand. "Damn it...." He immediately jerks towards the camera, a rather helpless and pleading look on his face. "Guys, help me out, here!!!"
The results were fruitful, courtesy of the live audience.
"I'LL SHOVE MY BOOT DOWN YOUR CHIMNEY!!!!"
"I'LL STUFF YOUR CRUST!!!"
"I'MMA SENDIN' MY WHITE WHALE DOWN THE GRAND CANYON!!!"
"I'MMA FIRIN' MAH LAZAR!!!!"
BOOM!!!!
The last person who had spoken got the immediate reward of having his head blown off, courtesy of Senkaku's Bala.
"....All of you but the dead guy will recieve a free cookie upon reaching the exit." Senkaku muttered, lowering his hand. "Now, if you don't want us to go one-three-three-seven on your noob asses, I would recommend staying away from scenes like what I just mentioned above. Blood and guts are fine, though, because, as I mentioned in the previous episode while the staff was ticking me off with their F.C.C. crap, we've seen plenty of that in the manga and anime alike. But, if you absolutely have to do a scene in which the AO-rated stuff is involved..... do us all a favor and be subtle about it! Use your brain and hint, leave the people to their imagination! Don't just outright say that one character's gonna fu--"
Abruptly, he stopped, eyes widening as he realized what he was going to say. He looked away innocently. "....yeah. I think you all get the message." He immediately shifted his gaze towards Nnoitra, who has been motionless at some point in time. He walks over towards the former Quinta, grabbing at the ropes/bindings and tearing them off. In turn, Nnoitra ended up collapsing onto the floor like a rag-doll.
"So....I suppose that's it for today!" The host Arrancar states, placing his hands on his hips in a triumphant manner and turning to face the camera. "Join us again for another round sometime! Looking forward to doing whatever I have to in order to educate and make you appreciate the finer aspects of this little community!"
"....uhm....Sen?"
Said Arrancar's face contorts to one of annoyance. "What?!" He snapped.
"....remember what I said about live pinatas once they're not cut down....?"
"What does that have to do with any--"
CLAMPF!!
He is suddenly picked up by the back of the neck and raised into the air, courtesy of a smiling Nnoitra. The snake eye turns towards the camera, his mood considerably cheery after his experience. "So, since we're going on about shit for kids...." He hissed, licking his lips and turning his eye back towards a frantic and struggling Senkaku. "....I think it's good if you just turned off the camera for what happens next." He clenches his free fist, pulls it back, and...
TZZZT! The camera turns off, and we can only hear the sound of agonizing pain and torture.
SNAP! WHUMPF! SLAP! SPLURCH!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHH! COMEONNNOITRACAN'TYOUTAKEAJOKEOHMYGODOHMYGOD~!!!!!"
"....well, I'm going to go grab a coffee."
"But what about Sen--"
"I think he and Nnoitra are too busy sharing their mutual love for each other."
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!"
"....that doesn't sound like love."
"Considering everything that Sen just explained, I think they're just trying to avoid the censors."
"Ohhhh~....."
And they all lived happily ever after.... even Senkaku, who recieved a reward of over 9,000 broken bones and is still in critical condition several months later.
The End