Talk:Hiraishin

"Sorry, your princess is in another castle!"
Still want this? > ~> Got bored, and surprise! So let's see what we got here.


 * Introductory paragraph! With the top part thingy, I could only suggest moving your quote below the property templates. Other than that, it surprisingly looks fine; there's nothing I would reword.


 * "Hiraishin is a slender, yet fairly muscular, male Shinigami of average height with a melancholic appearance, fairly short, messy black hair, and golden eyes with golden lines descending from them, giving him the appearance of crying." <--- I'd suggest changing "The appearance of crying" to "The appearance that he is crying". Shihakushō... Not a lot of Shinigami wear that, actually. Not on the Fanon at least. ._. But it's fine. The rest of it's good too.


 * Personalities find, but all I could tell you to do would be to elaborate more on it and be a little bit clearer. Maybe put "As a child" first, then "as the captain", and then "now he's". It'd help with the clarification. Maybe make them a paragraph each..? If you're up for it. Just make sure to put the first two in past tense. Also, you should put at what time, if any, his true personality comes out (if he has one). After all, no matter who's body he might be controlling, it still is his body. Sooooo yeah! Next.


 * Small typo: "As it heir" should be "As it's heir". Besides that, history is gold. I wuv it. . w. Though I feel bad for his sister. ; ^;


 * "Hiraishin, as a former Captain obviously possesses large amounts of Spiritual Energy." Putting a comma after captain would make sense. "The exact amount he has is unknown but due to the fact that he constantly feeds spiritual energy to at least one body, and can control six for long periods of time, it is assumed he has truly monstrous amounts of Spiritual Energy. His Spiritual Energy is colored golden." Comma after but, and change "Spritual energy is colored golden" to "Spritual energy is a gold color." On the next, elaborate more. Don't just put a line and be done with it. Try to put at least three lines of info when you make abilities. Thas' wat I duu. "Master of Deception" would flow more nice. Here, I'll show you how I'd write it, so you can get an idea of what to do.

Master of Deception: Hiraishin is a master at the arts of deception, and is capable of using each of his different bodies to portray a different personality at the same time. He is known to portray his younger sister's particularly well, due to the time they spent together. However, when Hiraishin is discovered, he quickly drops his disguise, and hunts mercilessly after the one who uncovered his true identity.


 * There. Three lines. See? <:D Don't put his exact skill is unknown. You should know his exact skill. So put it! Put his fighting style, if he draws his Zanpakuto first or not, if he likes to use throws more than punches or kicks, or vice-versa!... You're so lazy. - ^- Seriously, though. E-lab-or-ate.


 * As the former Commander-in-Chief of the Onmitsukidō, X 3 = Redudancy. Mix it up.


 * Next! State what color the blade glows, and why it glows that way. The intensity of the glow. Can you see it while it's sheathed? Does the sheath glow? Where's the strap; does he carry it by one? What color is it? Does it glow?


 * ELABORATE DX


 * Perhaps you should make it a constant release type. Also, don't corpses rot? Elaborate. >:[ What happens to his real body while controlling them? Does he go into a meditative state? What happens to them when they're not released? Huh? Huh?! HUH?!?! Yeah. Thought so.


 * Elaborate.


 * Like I have a critique on my own idea. IS FLAWLESS DX Hypno-suggestion is awsum.


 * Tenmei's fine.


 * How'd he get the third seat? Add it to his history.


 * OOoooo. Coolies. I like Shimei; demonstrated how important Senmei is to him.


 * Last one; can't they just pass constantly? <_<

That's it! :D

Gotta change this signature...

~Watchamacalit Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ 06:54, August 19, 2010 (UTC)