Thread:ISavage/@comment-18812574-20150203042127

First thing I noticed right off the bat: You need a little description/overview paragraph before the appearance section. It is rather obvious that one is missing there.

Second thing I noticed, is that while the article is spelled "Yū Takeshi" you discard the macron altogether in the article and go straight to "Yuu." While it's not a mispell (both versions are acceptable) my question is: why? Personally I prefer the macron (Yū) because that holds more linguistic meaning, imo. "Yuu" also seems a bit outdated. (Yū? No wait I mean You... no Yuu? That is what I just said.) Anyway, I would suggest matching what you have titled for the article there. We have a "ū" button on the editor and there is a cheat called as copy-paste. XD

Now on to the article:

Appearance: Pretty standard. For the RPCQE I'd reccommend going into a bit more detail here. Especially on his face. It also appears (is that a pun?) to be unfinished, so I won't say much here. The one thing I was wondering is why the hell they want waiters with long hair, especially in an über fancy-pants resturant: "Waiter! There is a... HAIR in my soup!"

Personality: You do a lot of telling here. Telling us what he is, etc. But you don't really explain WHY... Why is he the way he is? Why does he think this way? Etc. Please try and go into more detail. Also, you mention that he has a rather sudden jump from smart-assery to non-smart-assery, but don't explain why... you should explain why. Also, he seems pretty non-descript right now, to tell you the truth. You should try and round him out more, give him more dynanism as a character. What I mean is: What makes this guy different? Unique? Memorable? What does he keep in his sock drawer? Etc.

And also: "The Last Slice of Bread" because they are insignificant and aren't needed in the world of the living or the spirit world." --- Eh? I've never heard this cliché before. In short: It doesn't make sense. You need to explain the meaning behind it. What you have right now as a "because" makes no sense.

History: This is... very, very short. You need to go into more detail here. We should feel something for your character, care about what happened to him and so-forth. Right now this is like, a minimum of 250 word school-report thing, or something. You don't have to go overboard, mind you, like I did for Dresden Ravenskraft, but there should be some meat here, you know. As-is it's rather bland, and nothing seems interesting because you aren't highlighting details (or going into details). Also, you can't just drop a bomb like "Wandenreich City 25" (which is in the as-of-yet-unexpanded-upon Schatten Beriech yes?) and then walk away without explaining anything! NO! Explain! You need to explain!

Powers and Abilities: I'll admit this isn't my strong-suit, the powers section I mean, and especially for Quincy. Right off the bat the most obvious thing is that the format is clunky. Try emulating the format for the power section on Bleach wiki, with the headers and bullet points and bolded technique names and so-forth. Speaking of Bleach wiki, you have copied a lot directly from there to describe his techniques. Please change this. While you can use Bleach wiki for reference this section should be in your own words as much as possible, just like the rest of the article is in your words. Now then, Yu seems to be suffering from something called The Nanami Principle. Not too badly, but you have a Quincy (who are supposed to be primarily bow-and-arrow based) using both water AND fire AND strings. Seems like too much to me. I'd focus on just the strings aspect, if I were you. The other stuff seems to detract from the theme. Also, the water dragons are a little... well, for one you need to go into more detail as to HOW it works, as this is something we've never seen before and especially needs to be explained considering he is a Quincy. Remember, Quincy work by drawing/absorbing reishi. Sure they can form arrows from that, but if he forms something else (water dragons) you should be more detailed on that. But, to tell you the truth, I find the dragon things to be kind of cheesy, and a bit too similar to a Zanpakuto, not a Quincy ability. (Hitsugaya, that is). Also, his string abilities are unique, and I thought they worked well, but you should more concretely define his Blitzkrieg ability, imo. Also, I would recommend more clearly differentiating between this ability and the Silber Draht thing that Uryu used:

''Silber Draht (ズィルバー・ドラート, Zirubā Dorāto; German for "Silver Wire"): A silver wire that Uryū conceals around his right arm after losing his powers to the Quincy: Letzt Stil. Uryū uses it to fight a Menos Grande that attacks him.''

Even though it was only used once, it's best to be on the safe-side. Just pointing this out to you, you can either mention this and say that his technique is different, or something else. Up to you. The one thing I did really like about this section was the fact that you kept everything to pretty basic Quincy level, ie, Uryu before all this Wandenreich manga arc stuff. So good job. Keep him at that level and you should be fine for the RPCQE.

Grammar: Numerous, and I mean numerous issues here. For one thing, you need to write this in "formal English," in an Impersonal 3rd Person Present tense (except for history) voice. A' La' Wikipedia article. Also, it is HOLLOW not "Hallow," (olde English for "holy..." "HOLY HOLLOW!"). "Smart ass" is not a proper adjective... you should use proper-er adjectives. Your verbiage is very casual. It should read more "formal" for an article, because otherwise it makes it seem like you don't want to take him seriously. Sentence structure is really odd in places. You should read this out-loud, slowly, as if seeing it for the first time, to get what I mean. Also, please capitalize any proper Bleach noun: Quincy, Hollow, Shinigami, Hueco Mundo, World of the Living, etc. etc. etc. More on that can be found on this site's MoS

... Well, that was a lot longer than expected. I'm gonna stop now. But as a final thought, I highly reccommend that you take a look at the BFF Study Guide: Tutorial for Sucessful Articles! This is a guide to help you do articles well, and is especially recommended if you are confused by the guidelines on the RPCQE.

Hope that helps. Let me know if I didn't make any sense here, or something. 