Bleach Abridged: Chapter 2: Home Invasion... Like That's New

Setting: Kurosaki Household

Ryūnosuke woke up abruptly. "Shino, no, what are you doing with Captain Komamura! Huh?" he said, looking around as he spotted Ichigo from before.

"Well, looks like you finally woke up. And not a moment too soon, I was just finished helping myself to my rescue fee from your wallet." Ichigo responded.

Uryū, Chad, and Orihime then entered the room. "It's good to see you're awake now, kid." Uryū answered. "We brought some delicious day-old bread!" Orihime followed up with.

Ichigo narrowed his eyes. "Are we that poor of a group of teenagers that we eat day-old bread as our lunch? Seriously, I know Orihime and Chad are house broken, but you're like a rich Quincy, you jerk. You live in a mansion, you ass, buy us lunch."

Chad then sat down and spoke to Ryūnosuke. "It was a tight spot you were in."

He then looked away. "My dad's a doctor, why don't I have any lunch money ever?"

Ryūnosuke looked down. "What happened to Shino? Is she okay?"

"I don't even get paid minimum wage at my job. I'm starting to think it's child labor." Ichigo continued.

At that moment, Shino walked in. "Flat chest! I mean, Shino, you're okay and flat!" I'm so glad and unaroused!" Ryūnosuke called out.

Shino threw a cola can at him.

"Fuck you guys, eat your hobo bread. I'm going to WcDonalds." Ichigo responded, getting up.

"You should try the chicken teriyaki whopper. Talk about diaherria." spoke a mysterious Arrancar that appeared in the windows

He then grinned. "Hello, everybody. Would you like to know my name? It's-"

"It's Draco Malfoy!" Orihime shouted.

Uryū sneered. "That's from a fiction novel, Orihime. It's clearly Macklemore."

The Arrancar grew angry. "Ivan!"

"The sweaty wrestler from the fourth Rocky movie? Now whose being unrealistic." Orihime replied, crossing her arms.

Setting: Rukongai

"Ikkaku, hold on, you know my pantyhose is riding up on me!" Yumichika called out as the two arrived in a village devoid of life.

Ikkaku looked around, noticing mysterious footprints. "This is quite odd... Why are these footsteps here and stop here, where is everybody in this village?"

"You know, this village looks an awfully like the setting where the videos on the vore website were filmed. You know, the website that was sent to our email last night, the one for twelve ninety five. Might that have anything to do with it?" Yumichika questioned.

"...That shit was kinda hot in a weird way." Ikkaku responded.

Setting: Karakura Town

"That was very rude, insolent boy." Ivan spoke, after being kicked out of the house by Ichigo.

Ichigo, in his Shinigami form, flew to the skies where he too was floating. "I know why you're here. You should stop trying to suck Aizen's cock, you have the potential to be a strong independent black woman that don't need no man!"

"...What are you spewing? Anyways, I'm not an Arrancar, if that's what you think." Ivan responded.

"Yes you are." Ichigo replied.

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"NO! I'm not! Stupid, just look!" Ivan finally yelled, holding out a Quincy five-star pendant.

"So you're an annoying fan boy with bling whose useless. We have one of those too. It's called Chad." Ichigo replied once more.

Ivan formed a large structure out of thin air, which fired several missile-like projectiles at Ichigo.

Ichigo slashed at the projectiles, swatting them away. "Wait! I've seen this before! Um... Uh... He's a whatever-Uryū-is!"

Setting: First Division Barracks

The Captain-Commander of the Gotei 13, Yamamoto, stood tall in his barracks. "Where's my afternoon fucking tea. I'm an old man, and I have to get my own motherfucking tea around this motherfucking office. No respect. I'm old, I need life support." he spoke to himself.

"Hello, Yamamoto Genryūsai." spoke a mysterious individual appearing at the forefront of a group of seven, that appeared in the office.

"We meet at last." the individual continued.

"Grandson Ricky?" Yamamoto answered.

END