Bleach Abridged: Chapter 1: The Thousand-Year-Long Bloody Period

Setting: Twelfth Division Barracks

The voice of a disgruntled officer called out. "Third Seat, Akon! We have trouble! There's been repo-!"

"You're damn right there's trouble." Akon responded, drawing a look of confusion from the officer. "Why are these pop-ups showing on my browser? I didn't subscribe to any of these sites."

The officer looked confused even more.

"Two for one deal on a vore site... Twelve dollars a month. I didn't even know Soul Society had stuff like this. Why is this on my computer?" Akon questioned once more.

Mayuri, the Captain of the Twelfth Division, looked uninterested though clearly seemed to know what was happening. He coughed briefly, "Twelve ninety five. Anyways, it would seem as though there are issues happening, Hollows are being exterminated. I'm sure everybody already saw this coming, you'd have to be complete morons if you didn't, but for the sake of plot and our obvious 60% mentally retarded audience, I'll just say it." as the camera zoomed in dramatically. Mayuri spoke in a deep and quiet voice. "Quincy." he whispered.

"What?" Akon asked.

Setting: Human World

Two seated officers, Ryūnosuke and Shino, entered the human world through a portal.

"So this is Human World? I was led to believe there were lots of schoolgirls dressed in short skirts with heaving bosoms! Anime has led me astray again." Ryūnosuke spoke, as Shino slapped him upside the head, causing him to tumble downwards. "Stupid, this is why you'll never be a real Shinigami." Shino responded loudly, as Ryūnosuke then shouted from the ground. "On the contrary, you could benefit from some fakeness in the upper mid-section!"

"That has nothing to do with anything!" Shino retorted, throwing a sandal down at him with a thud.

A Shinigami with a black afro then stepped onto the building, named Zennosuke. "Now now, children, we are here on a mission! Even though I've been stationed here for over ten years and there's never been a single Hollow here so we should be fine! Unless you've been both designated as fodder for the main characters to save and re-introduce themselves to the plot, in which case, we're pretty screwed! But don't worry, it's never happened before. And I'm a fodder veteran of two story arcs!"

As soon as he finished, a horde of Hollows had surrounded the group of three. "Damn you, Kubo!" roared Zennosuke.

One of the Hollow grabbed the girl named Shino, as Ryūnosuke finally arose from the rubble.

She was slowly being crushed by the beast's powerful hands, the monster's claws pushing into her torso.

"Shino, no!" called out Ryūnosuke. "If only you had had some sort of cushion to protect your lungs from being crushed by those monster's claws!"

Shino coughed out blood. "...Fuck you."

"I heard blood being coughed out and desperate pleas of the tertiary cast. Sounds like my cue."

The Hollow was instantly cut down, with Shino falling to the ground.

The orange-haired man dressed in black grinned victoriously. "I'm Kurosaki Ichigo." he spoke, as his teeth glistened.

"...I think she's dead. I mean, claws kinda dug into her chest and she coughed up like her entire body volume in blood." Ryūnosuke replied.

"Shinigami Representative, here to save the day." he continued.

"Her eyes are lifeless. Why aren't you rushing to give her medical first aid?" Ryūnosuke answered again.

"Have no fear, I will save you all." Ichigo finished, holding his sword to the side and assuming a heroic stance.

Ryūnosuke merely stood there silently, Shino slowly bleeding out some more, before finally speaking again. "Told her she needed the boob job. She'd have stood out more."

END