Drinking Time With Kenji & Van: Episode 4: The Retcon

This article, , is the fourth chapter of an omake segment featuring the characters of Kenji Hiroshi, Van Satonaka, and Kentaro Hiroshi as they discuss a number of topics relating to Bleach (Kenji Hiroshi). This particular segment pokes fun at the ongoing retcon started by the author in 2015.

Van didn't understand how he kept getting into these situations. You'd think he'd learn to just say "NO" but once more he found himself an unwilling ally to Kenji bloody Hiroshi. And where did he keep pulling that fool chalkboard from!?

"Resign yourself and roll with it, Van. I find its the only way to appease him."

Kentaro was again in attendance and as usual he was lounging against the farthest wall with a look of disinterest plastered across his face. Van measured him with a piteous look before once more returning his attention to Kenji. The man was writing something in flowing script: either he was inspired, drunk, or both because his usual writings and illustrations where either chibi or chicken scratches.

"The hell are you up to now!?"

Kenji turned around with childlike enthusiasm.

"The retcon!"

Kentaro's groan would've been heard in the World of the Living.

"The retcon?" Van asked. He was channelling his inner Shinji. The man himself wouldn't have managed a more deadpan expression.

"Yeah!"

And Van's earlier suspicions where confirmed when Kenji deftly took a swig from a flask that quickly disappeared into his inside pocket. Kenji continued speaking.

"You see, all our histories have changed! At the minute I can barely remember what you and me did during Part II and III. Part I is mostly clear to me."

"The fuck are you going on about!?" Van exclaimed. "We fought Averian in Part II! And I'm fairly sure your doppelganger reared his ugly mug in Part III."

Kentaro merely sighed. Confusion was becoming almost routine for him lately when his father was concerned.

"Ah, but we also fought Kagura. And some tit who ran a drugs ring. And my mug is not ugly."

"Is to."

"Is not!"

"Is to!"

"Is not! And we fought Kagura!"

Kentaro's eye was twitching and he was honestly considering murder in addition to patricide.

"Who the fuck is Kagura!?" Van, at this point, had seized Kenji and was busy throttling him. "And speak sense, damn you!"

"He made you a Yakubyōgami." Kenji managed to say as his face turned all kinds of purple.

"Im'ma kill him!!" Van roared, shaking his fist at Kenji as he released him.

"Don't worry, we'll get to that eventually." And Kenji gave his old friend a glass of something with a strong smell. "Right now I remember up until Anika dies and I go full Hollow on Averian's ass."

"Oh, yeah! I had to save your ass, if I recall right. That was a fun day."

"Did not." Kenji answered coyly.

"Did to." Van, more forceful, replied.

"Did not."

"Did-"

And Kentaro whacked his father in the mouth before booting him square in the ribs! With that accomplished he swept Van from his feet and promptly applied the same boot to him.

"If I hear another mention about Part I, II or III then I'm going to lose it! You two need psychiatric help."

"... You're just annoyed that it took until Part IV for you to become the main character."

"RAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!"

In little to no time at all Kentaro had thoroughly beaten his old man into the floor. And as soon as he had that accomplished he did the same to Van. Only when both where unconscious did Kentaro stop to regard his father's chalkboard. And true to his word Kenji had written extensively about a number of events Kentaro had no knowledge of. Apparently Garian Shinjo had once told him about a young apprentice he had before the coming together of The Philosophers. There was also mention made of a tournament Kenji fought in, a man by the name of Hiroya Ginkarei, and a very different set of events surrounding his battle with the Imawashī.

"... That old fool has lost his marbles."