User blog:GokūBlack10/The Angry Ten-Tails: Bleach 577 & Naruto 673 — Review

So I promised Blank that I would be doing satirical reviews of the weekly Bleach chapters in place of my usual rants over on Bleach Wiki. I am calling these reviews The Angry Ten-Tails, so expect sarcasm, cursing, and an all around humorous look through my eyes as we review the weekly Bleach Kubo provides us.

Let's begin.

Bleach 557: Sword
Cue Ode to Joy...

Beautiful view isn't it?

Meteor coming out of the sky to kill all of our unsuspecting heroes? Its so fresh and original. I mean, nobody has ever thought of that before, right?

Fairy Tail

Wait...

One Piece

Just hold on one goddamn moment...

''Naruto

Well that's just awkward.

Huh...

Well, moving on, the meteor—which has as much detail as Kubo's backgrounds—has done the job of causing everyone in Soul Society to collectively shit their pants. I say everybody, but then...

....Got viagra?

So—if it wasn't made abundantly clear in the last chapter (Zaraki saying he had a raging hard on)—Zaraki is clearly turned the fuck on by Gremmy's meteorite. I've never seen that face on anyone ever. This guy has the weirdest fetishes. First its carving up Unohana and now its the thought of cutting a meteorite. This brings the term "S&M" to a whole new level.

At this point, I was hoping Zaraki would put me out of my misery and shut Gremmy up. One can only take so many weeks of that kid giving speeches about how God-like he is, which he proceeds to do again this week.

And.

Son of a bitch.

Zaraki delivers.

Did I mention there were sexual references in this chapter?

Now, at this point, Yachiru has a useless flashback of when she met Zaraki. I'd just like to take this moment... really... to thank Kubo Tite. I mean. This could've been Yachiru's moment. To take on a Stern Ritter with more trolling power than Justin Beiber's tour manager. To show us the power of Bleach women and once and for all prove that she is a character who can stand on her own and not just Zaraki's pet hairball.

But no.

No.

That'd just be too goddamn convenient. Wouldn't it, Kubo?

So she got shelved and we got Captain Erection to the rescue. Really, looking upon Yachiru as she flashes back to her earlier childhood, I couldn't help but feel pity. She is now forever a background character with no hopes of ever becoming anything great. Just like every woman who has tried to ascend to greatness in Bleach. And to that, we all say:

"Up yours, Kubo."

At last, we arrive at the moment Bleach fans have been waiting for all their little fanboy and fangirl lives. The epitome of the Bleach manga.

The Shikai of Zaraki Kenpachi ...Does anybody hear that?

That, my friends, is the sound of every Bleach Wiki contributor's head simultaneously imploding. That's right. For years people have been telling them that Zaraki doesn't have a constant release Shikai.

For years, these people have ridiculed those naysayers.

And, in true Bleach fashion, Kubo has flipped Bleach Wiki the bird.

I would like to take a moment now to ruin your collective childhoods. Kenpachi told Nozarashi last chapter that he was getting a raging hard on. This chapter, he reveals it has a release command: "Swallow". And... what is the effect of Nozarashi? Hmmm...? That's right.

It gets larger.

*crickets chirp*

The Shikai of Kenpachi Zaraki....

...is a boner.

Conclusion
In all honestly, I hope this was vaguely enjoyable. To be honest, while I've despised nearly every chapter of this new arc of Bleach, this one was one of the more bearable ones, if only for the fact that I can now trot over to Bleach Wiki and give them a big ol' fashion "I told ya so!" :D

In the comments section of this blog, and those that will follow it in the coming weeks, feel free to leave your rants, or your own, less profanity-ridden reviews of the Bleach chapter and discuss them until your heart's content.

In the meantime, I'm going to down a bottle of aspirin... the only sane reaction one can have anymore to a Bleach chapter.

Goodnight, BFF.

 Ten Tailed Fox  07:17, April 16, 2014 (UTC)