Talk:Bleach: Highway Out of Hell

My critique
Well, I stumbled across this story and decided i'd give my own 2 cents on it and where it stands. Please, if I say something negative in this, don't take it personally; i'm just doing what I do best, which isn't saying much xD

Alright, so we got one problem right off the bat. I don't know if you've just done this intentionally or not, but putting everything in bold words can kinda be an eyesore. Hell, my eyes are feeling weird just looking at it like it is. Please fix that, firstly :P

Now, the next 2 paragraphs give us another problem. In the first one, you state that Barragarn remembered nothing of his previous life, and yet he can clearly recall the fellow Espada that he encounters. Which life are you referring to? Life before becoming King of Hueco Mundo? I'd be okay with that if that's what the story refers to, but it doesn't. Please specify on this more.

While Barragarn's personality is...okay, I suppose, it's a bit too over the top for me. Barragarn seemed to be one of those guys who only yelled when he was angry or when he was being extremely arrogant (or just being a dick ;P). Here, it feels like he's doing that almost every chance he gets. It's a pet peeve, nothing major, but still something that should be considered, nonetheless.

Now, the major problem with this story is it's layout.

This will sound offensive, but reading this story was physically hurting my eyes, because I could not for the life of me understand just what the hell was happening. All of your paragraphs are cluttered, plastered together and making it all the more harder to read. One character says something, and then immediately next to that sentance, another character says something else. It is so cluttered and messy, it makes me wanna cut my hair with a chain saw. I mean, there isn't any subtlety to this; it pretty much throws whatever is happening in your face without giving you time to really contemplate just exactly WHAT is happening?

So, yeah, it's confusing. A bit too straight forward as well. "Hey, who are you?" "You know who I am foo-el!" "Oh yeah that's right." "Wanna do shit?" "Sure!" "Let's boldy go!!!!"

That kinda takes any excitement out of it, nor does it really allow us to actually feel what's going through the guy's heads, you know what I mean? Give em' a few more interactions.

In conclusion....this needs some work. It's cluttered, straight forward, a bit over the top, and just weird in some spots. I respect that this is a story idea you and a friend thought of, hell that's what my new story on this site is. But it just needs to be cleaned up and more developed. It was an okay read the first time, but I wouldn't come back for a second look in it's current state.