Thread:ShonenChicoBoy/@comment-24089695-20150628123328/@comment-18812574-20150628235208

Well then, I suppose I’ll review this section by section. First off, I must say, it’s obvious that you’ve put some effort into this article. It has some thickness to it, and over here on BFF that’s generally considered to be a good thing. I, however, personally like to stress quality over quantity, but more on that later.

Intro/personality:

First off, I am confused. Tomonari Forest? What is that? A Rukon district? A place in the Human World? What? Where? When? Those are the things you should be focusing on: a brief bit of WHO she is (Captain of the 6th Division), WHY she’s there (prodigy picked up in Rukongai (and what happened to Byakuya!!?!?!) WHEN this is taking place (after Yhwach’s invasion? 100 years ago?) and WHAT her character is all about in one sentence. As-is, the intro is sort of muddled, I supposed, and confused me more than anything else.

Same thing goes for her personality. While you’ve chosen to highlight some interesting facets, her character doesn’t really seem coherent. There is a disconnect between her different traits, and a disconnect between those traits and her past. A character’s, or even person’s, personality is greatly influenced by their past. And while you’ve hinted at a few things, that connection is still rather vague. Especially, especially considering the trauma she experienced, that should have a significant impact on who she is and why she is that way. So, that being said, you probably should explain the origin of her personality. In other words, show us WHY she is the way she is, and not just “she is this way.” And notice how I said “show us,” because right now your descriptions seem a little dry. You tell us a lot of information, but it’s just that. You’re not showing us the “how.” For the personality section, I’d say give examples, “she acted this way when so-and-so did X because she felt Y” and so forth. It would help to round things out. Because like I said, right now it feels dry and inconsistent. Also, who the heck is her lieutenant? You kept mentioning him over and over but never gave his name. = Confusing. We as readers are seeing this article for the first time. You need to explain each person you introduce (BRIEFLY) so we can tell who’s-who without having to go read 15 other articles to get what’s going on.

History:

Continuing on that same note of character description, I had no idea who Kekkai was, (that he was even a person at first), what exactly happened to him, and how he was different from Naniha. They seemed like the same exact character to me, and to be honest, I really don’t understand what Kekkai’s purpose is at all. Unless he has a VERY good reason for why he was in your character’s past, then why include him at all? Each character mentioned should have had some form of apparent impact on her, not just enter Stage Left Exit Right.

Now, I know you said you were only going to cover her early life, but in my opinion that was a bad move on your part. You explained the horrors she went through in the Rukongai, and that was it. There’s nothing in there about how she became a Captain. And to me that’s a pretty glaring plot-hole. It takes a lot, and I mean a LOT to become a Captain. She can’t just magically show up at the Seireitei one day and say “hey, I’m strong make me a Captain.” Unless she’s Kenpachi, where you just waltz in and kill a guy, she’d still have to go through Shin’o Academy, for example. Even Gin, GIN Ichimaru, had to go through the academy. And he was a genius who graduated early. If she’s skipping that whole process there had better be a good, and I mean a very good reason as to why. So in other words, the section seemed to be lacking because you did not explain some VERY important parts about your character’s past.

Now, stylistically speaking, this section is a somewhat odd mix between narrative fiction (meaning, what you read in a novel) and a standard encyclopedic article. (Bleach canon wiki, Wikipedia, etc.). For me, personally, this made for an awkward and clunky reading. Don’t get me wrong, you can be descriptive and go into detail and such for your character’s history, but keep in mind that it’s a history section, not a story proper. So it should be kept to a sort of “impartial” tone, to fit with the rest of the article. But keep in mind that this is just my opinion here, and in the end it’s up to you for how you want to write it. It’s also a little hard to explain, so I’ll give you some examples. Not to promote my own articles or anything, but Dresden Ravenskraft and Reika Hanaoka (never thought I’d link to Reika, guh. That’s overall a bad article, so just read the history section.) For those two characters, I tried to give them detailed histories while maintaining a “professional” or article type voice. I suppose the most important thing, whatever you choose to do, is deciding WHAT details need to be highlighted, and which ones are in the end, insignificant and just “filler” words that aren’t necessary. So in other words: pick the details you want to explain in detail carefully.

The biggest thing about the history section, and sort of the biggest thing about the article in general, is that there seem to be a load of inaccuracies regarding the Bleach universe. I’ll highlight a couple here:

"(despite not knowing that she doesn't need to eat),"

Uh, if she has Reiatsu, she needs to eat. This is why Renji and Rukia stole food while on the streets. This is why Rangiku was starving to death. And in her powers/abilities section, she had a LOT of Reiatsu. So yes she would need to eat. (Actually I think that part there was under her “intelligence” section, but whatever.)


 * Silverware vs. chopsticks: In the Soul Society, which is based off of Japan for the most part, they would use chopsticks, not silverware. I also questioned the structure of the house that the (for lack of a better term) Rug-Rat gang was staying in. Unless they were smack-dab in the middle of the city, I don’t think Japanese houses were typically two-storied.


 * Tomonari Forest: Where is this exactly? Soul Society doesn’t divide things based on landmarks, they divide things into districts. So I suppose the Tomonari Forest could be IN a district, but it wouldn’t be just a random forest floating around. And I found it somewhat odd that you failed to mention the Rukongai anywhere in the article. This is all in the Rukongai right? Not the Human World?


 * Oh, and one minor point on literacy in the Rukongai. This point is actually not covered in canon, and is therefore open to speculation. How do souls in the Rukongai learn to read, after all? I imagine most Shinigami, mostly the ones who came from poor circumstances like Rukia and Renji never learned to read, and so learned in the Shin’o Academy. Someone else said there may be temple schools (again, following Edo-era Japan) that could teach kids how to read and write. I personally think lesser clans and wealthy families could have their kids personally tutored. And hey, maybe people who come here from the Human World and remember stuff about their past and/or could read Japanese while alive can still read once they get to the Soul Society.

*ahem* SO THAT BEING SAID... I think this point needs some more attention. Where did Naniha learn to read? Where did he get his books and paper and stuff? Just something to think about, and I think you should give it more explanation due to everything I just said about it being open to interpretation. This is your chance to give us your theory on it, after all, while remaining “in-article,” of course.


 * “Clans”: This one probably gave me the most confusion over all in the history section. is the article on Bleach wiki that you would refer to. Note that:
 * 1. All Bleach “clans” seem to be affiliated one-way or the other with the Soul Society, and many high-ranking Shinigami (lieutenants and such) are from those clans (lesser houses) that are mentioned. Something to consider and to be very, very careful about.
 * 2. Most clans seem to be IN the Seireitei, or at least fairly close to it geographically speaking. In other words, unless there’s a good reason for it, I highly doubt clans with high political status and/or complexity would be operating in the Rukongai. I think, going out on a limb here, that you are confusing clans with gangs? Clans are typically families and those directly associated (ie, retainers and vassals and samurai (hah) and so forth) with that family. Doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense for there to be a “clan” of vagabond children running around. Also doesn’t make a whole lot of sense for how she came to be the only survivor of her original clan, nor how they became involved in guerilla type warfare? Keep in mind that clans = politics. So any scuffle or skirmish they involve themselves in has got to have some heavy factors at play. Think Romeo and Juliet. You know, Monet vs. Capulets and all that. Now, personally, I had the idea that there WOULD be clans that operated from the Rukongai, mainly because I just personally liked the idea (hah) and it hasn’t been stated explictly in canon that they only operate from the Rukongai. So it IS possible, but you should give a good reason as to why the clan exists in the first place, what their purpose is, and why they’re out in the Rukongai and not under the close watch of the Bakufu Seireitei. I’d suggest reading up on Japanese Clans if I were you. That’s what I did when researching for Takashi Sakuma. Anyway, as long as your explanation is solid, I’d say you can get away with it. But right now it seems random, sort of just thrown in for an unknown reason, and doesn’t seem to have much to do with your character anyway. It’s unexciting, in other words. These guys are out to kill her. Great. Why though? Misery without explanation or cause = melodrama.

Powers and Abilities:


 * Taijutsu vs. Hand to Hand: Uh, in Bleach they are essentially one and the same, although Sei might debate me on that one (heh.) Note: This isn’t Naruto. Remember that Shinigami use Hakuda, primarily, which is in almost all ways vastly superior to Human World martial arts, first and foremost because these are SHINIGAMI we’re talking about, not humans. They can whoop a lot more ass, in other words. Anyway, if you are going to mention a real-world martial art, it should be in order to explain said Shinigami’s style of hand-to-hand combat. For example, if they use taekwondo-esque kicks or rely heavily on the circular movements of aikido. Whatever it is, it should reflect your character’s personality and fit within the realm of “Hakuda.”
 * Also, who the heck is Ryuku? (Refer to my earlier comments about “one line descriptions” for characters you introduce mid-article.)

"She used healing Kido moderately inconsistently before joining the soul reapers."

Yeah, I sort of had a problem with this. Kidou is an advanced and highly technical art. It’s spell-casting, essentially, and I’m not entirely sure how one could learn to use it instinctively. I suppose they could, if they are very much in-tune with the Reishi constantly surrounding them, but to be honest, that doesn’t really seem to fit your character. Maybe Naniha taught her some basics along the way? But whatever you decide, don’t just throw that in there without explanation as to how and why.

"She also built an entire section of Yamanika's Ikinokori District, the communications headquarters, with only the help of two others, and she drew out and calculated the plans and foundation by herself."

Say what? A District is like a neighborhood. Lots of buildings, lots of people. Unless this is Soviet Russia we’re talking about, I’m 99% certain that one person isn’t usually in charge of constructing an entire district. Unless say, you’re some crime lord nut-case a la Shigenaga Arma and his pink colored castle. Anyway, this sentence confused me, and again, seemed to be out of sync with Bleach-verse as a whole. Also, what exactly does a communications headquarters do for a district? I’m confused. Here’s a basic list of fanon districts, just in case you’re interested by the way: Rukongai (Fanon Canon).

"Before joining Yamanika, she was discovered by simply becoming angry; This caused her spiritual energy to fluctuate so easily and so powerfully that it disrupted the very foundation of the Soul Society and the rest of the souls actually became very worried something extremely dangerous was on the prowl. It even temporarily made some people violently ill in the human world, and some people reported tremors, according to one of the Soul Reapers in the human world. The sheer mass and strength of the fluctuation was felt on earth and was capable of sickening some people from the feeling."

Okay, okay, okay. Slow down there partner. You realize that this has only ever happened ONCE in the entirety of Bleach right? And that’s when Yhwach killed the Soul King and the dimensions started to collapse. Unless I’m wrong, people can’t even sense Reiatsu across dimensions (ie, you’re in Hueco Mundo, you can’t sense people in the Human World and/or Soul Society, and so-forth.) So, that being said, it’s rather hax to give the Captain of the Sixth Division, and a Rukongai peasant at that, such spiritual pressure. Not even Head Captain Yamamoto’s Reiatsu could do that. It just seems tacked on and not thought out well, trampling over some of the “limits” (and mind you there are relatively few in Bleach) that have been set up in the series. Sorry to be so harsh, but that paragraph there really turned me off.

The other thing that bugged me was that her Shikai is basically just Getsuga Tenshou. Granted it’s three waves instead of one, granted she keeps it hidden in the saya until she whips it out to cut people and such. But still. It’s a wave of energy. I mean, it’s nice that you included the “shield” feature, but I was still rather unconvinced. So now, her name including “Ichi” in it is not what made me think of Ichigo. Her shikai was. With Zanpakutou there are endless possibilities, after all. Why not push yourself and try to come up with something more original? Also, the pictures you included of completely different looking anime characters sort of threw me off: it seemed random and unprofessional. Sometimes, when it comes to pictures, less is more.

This was incredibly confusing:

"She is the only Shinigami in Yamanika to have a Zanpakutou Spirit that does not have a physical identity. When they speak, the spirit appears only as a shadow, a silhouette of a person, with no other details."

Zanpakutou spirits do not have physical identities. They are Zanpakutou SPIRITS, after all. Do you mean she can converse with it outside her Inner World? = She is close to achieving Bankai. But yeah, really I have no idea what you meant there.

There are a few minor misspells or typos here and there through the article, but mainly what made it seem “unprofessional” were these two lines here:

"[Personally, I don't want to make this painfully long, so I will detail her early childhood, and conclude the History tap with that.]"

and

"Yes I know blah blah blah, connection to canon)"

Er... great. Why are you telling us this exactly? It breaks our immersion in the article, because we are reminded that it was, in fact, written by someone. And trust me when I say that’s not something you want. As an author you can be distinctive, but as an author you should be invisible. And this is where I bring the quality vs. quantity thing back in. To me, it’s important that every word counts and is where it should be. To express yourself clearly and succinctly. You don’t have to be long, you don’t have to be fancy, but you should at least try to be memorable. Right now this character doesn’t seem to be able to stand on her own. She doesn’t seem alive. What is there that is unique about her? Who is she at her core? Find that, and write about that. The quality will shine through. That is my advice.