Thread:Rengoku18/@comment-18812574-20140912221419

So, I read what you had up for Ultimatum so far, and had a few comments:

First, I really liked the humor you added. (Especially with Sozin and his wife). It was a nice touch. I also liked how it was a faster read. Not too thick, and easy to get through and understand. So now comes that cold icecream in that critique sandwich they always tell us about. Mostly minor things, but here goes:

1. Try not to copy canon Bleach characters. At least not obviously. When you start comparing original characters to canon characters themselves, that really starts to throw up some red flags. Mostly this is because we all already know what each of these characters, (Hiyori, Unohana, etc.) are like and want to see some new stuff. Also, be careful with portraying canon characters, as they should mostly stay in-character. You mostly do a good job with this but there are a few times where they seem to be acting a little strange (mostly Toshiro in chapter 4.) As for fanon characters, what really bugged me was how similar you wanted to make Tetsuo and Nero to Aizen and Ichigo, respectively. These characters have a lot of potential on their own, you don't have to draw comparisons/copy the goals/skills of canon characters to make us readers care about them. It would be really cool if you rounded them out to make them unique. Give us something new here! Which by the way, leads me to:

2. I liked Sakura, she seemed really out there and crazy (in a good way). She seemed more original. But her reaction to Nero (chopping off his hand and trying to kill him) seemed really unbelievable. I mean, that's psycho stuff there. Pretty sure the Soul Society wouldn't let her run around and do whatever she pleases. Maybe you could revise this encounter. I could see how you could easily make it into a "friendly spar" with a more serious, competitive, and sinister nature right underneath the surface. Subtlety is key to suspense.

3. These are some super minor tidbits that I'll throw in at the end here. Grammatically, you tend to confuse present and past tense a lot. I'd suggest that you choose one and stick with it, otherwise you risk confusing your readers. Also, why was Ichigo's hair such a big deal to Sozin? While the encounter was funny I am still scratching my head over that one, especially considering his own kid's unique hair color. Maybe clarify that scene. The last bit is, that while you did catch a lot of the nuances of a Japanese world (such as the "chan" part) I couldn't help but notice that there is a butt load of hand-shaking going on. Remember, in historical Japan, (ie Soul Society) people usually greeted each other with a simple bow. Oh yeah, that also reminds me: I really like the character of Nero, but his name is a little odd considering the rest of his family is Japanese. Unless you mean that to be neh-ro or nei-ro, which is a name I've never encountered in Japanese. It just seemed a little out-of-place is all, but you don't have to change it if you don't want to.

Well, I hope that helps. It's been a while since I've reviewed anyone's work, so I hope I explained everything okay and didn't crush your heart or anything major like that. I really liked it, and the story does have some potential. Suki's AK/sniper rifle was cool, I've always wondered why they never showed firearms in Bleach.

Also, there's one more issue I need to address, but this regards wiki policy in general. We've implemented a few rules here recently in order to keep the quality of character articles on here at top-notch. Basically, users are not allowed to create characters (character articles) above the level of a Fourth Seated officer in the Gotei 13 before they pass the | Right to Powerful Characters Qualification Exam. I know that sounds like a whopper of a... whatever... but its pretty simple. You create a quality character of 4th Seat or lower ranking (power-wise) and submit it for review. If you get at least 75% you pass and can create any level of power characters from then on. I'm not sure if you're already aware of this exam or not, but thought I should let you know since you might have otherwise run into trouble with Nero. Don't be too worried about it. If you put some effort into it, it should be a cinch, especially since I've seen what you can do in writing stories and such. Good luck by the way. 